Strike at the North Pole

SANTA IN TROUBLE

The North Pole County Council and Health and Safety Excutive have both released reports on the way Santa Claus conducts his buisness. Both are extremely critical and could lead to criminal investigation.

One of the main areas of concerns are the working condition of Santa's little helpers, in particular wages and holiday allowance. Currently they are entitled to only one day year as holiday (Christmas day) and work for upto  12 hours a day unpaid. One of the Little Helpers, who wishes to remain anonymous, said "We work so hard to make the wishes of children come true but we our wishes of a fair working conditions never does" while another said "the Reindeer get better treated then us". The local council have ordered Santa the remedy this suituation immediately or face prosecution.

Santa could also face criminal charges over the nature of the presents he delivers because the Council report states "Making presents and passing them off as top brands is in direct breach of copyright laws". Although Santa has been producing presents this way for years it is believed that many of the worlds top brands will now seek compensation for lost income which could run into millions of pounds.

Other areas highlighted in the report are Santa's delivery pratices particulary gaining entry to a premises down a chimney. A representive of the HSE said "This method of entry is not only a potential fire risk but fall hazard. At no time does Santa wear any safety equipment and as far as I know has not had any specialist training. Added to this is the safety of the reindeer because parking a sled on a sloping rooftop is just asking for trouble". The HSE report also highlighted the fact that Santa is often drunk in charge of the sled whilst speeding which the HSE says sets a "sets a bad example" as well "irresponsible"

Santa, after the reports were released, issued the following statement:

Having brought joy to world for so long without the inference from the nanny state it sadden me that beaurocrats have decided that I can no longer continue to work as I do. In order for me to comply with all the recommendations I would have to increase my workforce as well as employ several thousand people to do the deliveries. This will result, unfortunatley, in the adding of  a delivery charge in sterling not mince pies or sherries. This as you know will remove the 'goodwill' nature of Christmas and just make me part of the money making machine. 

To the issue of 'passing off'  I have instructed my lawyers to begin negotiations with the various companies and, as from next year, I will not be making or delivering present I do not have a licence for.

I'm would also like to make it clear that I do not drink and drive, that part of the report simply assunes that I drink at every house. I would like to put the record straight I tip a small amount of the sherry out to give the impression i've had a drink although I can't resist a Mince Pie

Santa  has not been available to speak to directly but it is assumed that it will be buisness as usually this year. 

 

Anything goes: Words

Anything goes: Words

Words

I got to thinking about words and how hard, or interesting, life would be if we had to use two or more words to describe most things we do. It certainly would make the titles of Shakespeare's work more interesting 'Much, Little, Not a lot Ado about, Nothing,  Zero, Nada' or 'The Merchant, Sellar, Hawker of Venice'.  Imagine what street signs would say 'Stop, Desist, End' by the time you had finished reading that you have already reared ended someone.

However there are certain sections of society who already use the form of language, Politicians and advertisers. A politician wil tell you that thier policy is needed, necessary for the electorate, people from all, every, wide cross section of society' i'm a liar would be the one word i'd use. Advertiser will tell you thier product is the best, market leader, unbeatable, a simple good would suffice. It would seem that 'word wastage' is a necessary and. thankfully, English is the greatest waster of words.

With this in mind I put it into pratice and wrote down the start of my day and please those with a grammitically weak heart should look away now.

I crawled, got out, fell out of my bed, pit, slumber chamber and staggered, walk, shuffled into the bathroom. After uraniting, taking a leak, emptying the snake I made my way into the living room and flicked, swithed, turned on the TV, gogglebox tube. After staring, looking, following it for a few minutes I decided it was time for my first coffe, java, rocket fuel of the day and headed, made my way, steered myself into the kitchen to make, prepare, put one together.

If you had to do that everyday of your life you would be as confused as I was after I finished writing it and on that thought i will end, terminate, finish this blog

Anything goes: Silly Side of Life

Anything goes: Silly Side of Life

Silly Side of Life

You know we all live in silly and often bemusing world designed not only to amuse but to embarass us. Like the poor woman who walks into a shop and ask the butcher if he has a 12' pork sausage. You can use your own imagination to answer that question. We can also be pretty sure if the answer was yes he was  bragging.

Other silly examples that spring to mind are customers in a bar asking you if you have a toilet. Often I've had to stop myself replying 'No sir we just use the pot plant in the corner.' Other examples would be a guest walking into a hotel and asking if you have bedrooms or people asking if the empty seat next to you is taken.

There have also been times when i've been asked by panic striken passenger if the bus there on is going to where they want to go because they didn't look when they boarded. Temptation to say no has been hard to resist on many occasion.

Having had look around the wonderful world of the internet to find other examples I came across these little gem of silliness
 
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/energy/6753705/Crematorium-to-use-burning-bodies-to-generate-electricity.html

A bold and inventive plan but is that taken the idea of body heat a little to far? However this plan will only work if the body havn't drowned first.

http://www.workpad.com/index_folder.aspx?ObjectID=3227

In other news youngster have been given ASBOs because of thier destructive behaviour in Knowesley, Merseyside. But its not what you think

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Baboon-Monkeys-Issued-With-ASBOs-For-Breaking-Into-Car-Roof-Luggage-Boxes-at-Safari-Park/Article/200907315342620?lpos=UK_News_Article_Related_Content_Region_5&lid=ARTICLE_15342620_Baboon_Monkeys_Issued_With_ASBOs_For_Breaking_Into_Car_Roof_Luggage_Boxes_at_Safari_Park

Well they do say Apes are very good at mimicking human behave.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Strange-News/Orangutan-Nonja-Takes-Pictures-For-Facebook-Abum-From-Her-Home-At-Vienna-Zoo/Article/200912115487410?lpos=Strange_News_Second_Strange_News__Article_Teaser_Region__4&lid=ARTICLE_15487410_Orangutan_Nonja_Takes_Pictures_For_Facebook_Abum_From_Her_Home_At_Vienna_Zoo

Its nice to know that social networking is not being restricted to us humans and that Facebook have a open policy on who can have an account. Although it would be interesting to read the status updates 'Orangutan is laughing at silly humans'

If you have other examples of silliness please feel free to add then comment box

Well Life Goes On

Hard for me these days to get motivated after nearly year of fruitless job hunting but financial needs dictates that should persevere. So what to do next? In my case a serious Internet search for online work but the amount scams makes that a day of fruitless searching. Its like looking for a cash cow in a gargantuan haystack.

Other avenues I'm pursuing are teacher training, got to put my degree to use some time. Starting my own buisness, anyone need a good caterer? Putting absolute faith in lady luck and win big on the Lotto, like thats ever going to happen.

I've always fancied myself as a bit of writer so maybe there money in dem der words, as long as its short stories or less.

But until the employment fairy showers me in work dust I must pick myself each day and gird my loins for another day of disappointment because life goes on.